One In The Cuckoos' Nest

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30mls of Trifluoperazine [Stelazine], at 18:00hrs every evening. Now, I just want to sleep my life away.

It's one of those days. They are rare for me, but I can feel it coming all the way from yesterday. It's hard. I am not keeping it in the day, one day at a time. It is not a just for today approach. It's self-pitying and relentlessly challenging. Help!

The school of hard knocks are teaching hard headed me another lesson in life. The locked ward has been drowning in a cacophony of sounds which has clashed terribly with my ipod classic, working it's way through more than eight thousand tracks. MY low spirit. MY fog of depression and MY darkest abyss at this moment in time, in my life.

I am not lonely. Far from it. I have access to a number of people at any one time, day and night. But I don't want them. I don't want the volume. I am distressed, but yet seek more solitude. I have not physically entered a twelve step meeting since the end of June. I am aware that I have been surviving on a sprinkling of recovery clinging to my basic text and saying the Serenity Prayer. I need help!

I am in desperate need of the still quiet voice of reason. A Quaker Meeting for Worship. My reason to exist. To share. To LOVE.

Today, I am left with the memory of my psychiatrist, looking in my eyes and, saying that I feel this bad because I am getting better.

Hmmm.